Corporations Demand Political Say

A well-heeled lobby group is pushing for the elimination of regulations that prevent corporations from donating money to political parties.

Option 1: "This is supposed to be a democratic country," Basket Weaving industry spokesperson Billy Falopian says. "Yet these archaic laws say I can't donate money to support a political party. They put ceilings on the amount any party can spend on advertising. It's time to stop treating voters like children, and trust them to make up their own minds. Free the ballot box!"

Option 2: "You say political freedom, I hear vote-buying," says popular anarchist Max Licorish. "If these fat cats get their way, politicians will buy their own seat in Congress. And let's face it, a slick advertising campaign can convince a lot of apathetic voters. We need to tighten the laws, not repeal them. Money should have no place in politics!"

Option 3: "Frankly, I don't see why we need to have elections at all," says your brother, Billy-Bob Chicago, over a late-night malt whiskey. "You always seem to know what's best. Why not scrap the whole political system? It would make things so much simpler."

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Harry Potter Censorship Row

The latest "Harry Potter" book to hit schools across East Pac Nation has stirred up the greatest controversy yet.

Option 1: "I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding," says religious leader Billy-Bob Steele. "Now that's just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it."

Option 2: Teachers union President Charles Hamilton says, "Come on, the book is fantasy! And it's a damn good read. I'd like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos, like Christians."

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Military Demands Increased Spending

Option 1: "These are turbulent times we live in," says Defense Chief Billy-Bob Falopian. "Turbulent and dangerous. And the only sensible response to that, of course, is to build a lot more weapons. Unless we get the funding we need, I can't promise that we'll be able to defend East Pac Nation's sovereign borders from rogue nations and foreign powers. Or those leaky boatloads of refugees, for that matter."

Option 2: "NO MORE BOMBS," chant the protestors outside Parliament House, in a repetitious and increasingly annoying appeal. Spokesperson Jazz Christmas, speaking through a feedback-afflicted microphone, says, "East Pac Nation needs fewer weapons, not more! Make the world a safer place! Disarm now!"

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Nudists Demand Time In Sun

A loose coalition of sartorially-challenged individuals known as "Let It All Hang Out" has called on the government to relax public nudity laws.

Option 1: "For too long, our bodies have been trapped in these prisons of cotton and polyester!" yelled protester Peggy Longfellow, while apparently developing a nasty case of sunburn. "We must repeal the puritanical laws that make public nudity a crime. My body--my choice to dangle!"

Option 2: "I agree," mused sociology professor Abraham McAlpin. "But I don't think the protestors are going far enough. Public nudity shouldn't be an option: it should be compulsory. Nudity is highly liberating. And it would put that disgusting "Hooters" out of business once and for all."

Option 3: "Whoa, whoa," says noted accountant George W. du Pont. "Are these people serious? The last thing I want to see when I'm out for a coffee is some lumbering, over-weight nudist coming down the sidewalk toward me. If people want to get naked, they can do it in the privacy of their own homes. Think of the children!"

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Cancer Sufferer Demands Euthanasia Bill

Dorothy Terwilliger lies immobilized in a hospital bed, unable to move. She has end-stage cancer, and wishes to end her struggle against death. However, laws prevent her doctors from obeying her wishes.

Option 1: Dorothy and her family are campaigning for a "Dying with Dignity" bill, to change this situation. She implores the government to legalize euthanasia.

Option 2: "I understand this is a very difficult time for these people," says freelance medical writer Hack du Pont. "But the solution is not to let our medical system slide down the slippery slope of killing people in pain. We must cure, not kill. This is not the right time for euthanasia."

Option 3: "I agree, but go further: there is never a right time for euthanasia," says Bishop Buy Dodinas. "The lives we lead are given to us by the grace of God, and he decides when they end. It is not for us to question God's divine purpose, no matter how odd or screwed-up it may seem."

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Death Penalty On Agenda

Following a tragic double-murder, capital punishment has surged as an election issue. There now appears a real possibility that right-wing candidate Randy Jefferson, running on a "Do the Crime, pay the Penalty" platform, will gain power. While society's intelligentsia is outraged, debate rages as to whether the government should intervene.

Option 1: "This is a democracy, remember?" rhetorically questions Professor May O'Bannon of the University of Greater East Pac Nation. "That means that if the people want something, the people get it. I hate to say it, but in the name of political freedom, we need to accept that our country will have the death penalty."

Option 2:
"I'm sorry," says Civil Rights Unionist Elizabeth Gutenberg, "but this travesty cannot be allowed to pass. If the government needs to crack down on lunatic fringe groups in order to keep our great nation free of the death penalty, then so be it. We must ban the politics of hatred and fear!"

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Octopi On The Dinner Table?

(The octopus is our national animal).

Option 1: "The fact is, the octopus population is out of control," says Beef-Based Agriculture spokesperson Bianca Hanover. "We have to do something about them anyway, so why not market them as tasty snacks? We could have octopus kebabs, octopus pies, octopus-on-a-sticks--the possibilities are endless! Let's not pass up this golden opportunity to provide a feast, if you will, for our economy."

Option 2: "I agree that something needs to be done about octopus over-population," says random passer-by Bill Bush, "but eating them? That's kind of gross. Let's just shoot the ones we have to and shovel their bodies into ditches like normal."

Option 3:
"I am shocked and appalled!" declared SPCA President Jean-Paul Clinton. "If anyone needs to be culled, it's us humans. The octopi were here first, remember? We need to take this as a sign to get our industry--agriculture in particular--to back off. The octopus is part of what makes East Pac Nation a great nation!"

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